Update – 9/16, 11:30pm
Please note that the following was posted in anger and haste. In all honesty, it doesn’t address what I was really upset about on Sunday…I was angry and hurt, and this just happened to be what spewed forth from my mind. It’s almost more like a parody of what I was really thinking, because it managed to address the least relevant part of what I was upset about. Also, it enraged a lot of people close to me – and for that, I’m sorry.
I’ve always endeavored to not censor either myself or my friends/readers in this space. To that end, I’m not going to try and “roll back time” by pulling the post down and pretending this didn’t happen. What I can do is prostrate myself at the feet of my friends and beg forgiveness for being a complete and utter ass these last few days.
You know something? I almost never comment on birthday presents, mainly because I’ve never wanted to appear greedy (in advance), a braggart (if I got a lot), or bitter (if I got squat). But this year…fuck it.
I just wanted to give a public thank you to my parents, Darren, and Denise, who thought enough of me to get me something for my birthday, even if there wasn’t a huge party/gathering/extravaganza surrounding it. (I’ve never been crazy about celebrating my birthday, and for whatever reason, 29 hasn’t sat very well with me. But still…)
For others who might be reading this, just three things:
1) I try very hard to find gifts that people will like when their birthdays or the holidays come up.
2) Think about how you’d feel if you got nothing on your birthday.
3) What goes around comes around, and reciprocity is a bitch.
Actually, I did buy you a gift, but since I havent seen you yet, you didnt get it yet. Sorry I didnt make special arrangements for myself or a courier to personally deliver the item to your residence or place of business within a particular time frame. Next time Ill be sure to drop everything or at least fuck the UPS man who runs your area so that you will be sure to receive your birthday present without delay. Because if Im too busy or I dont happen to see you, I should be willing to do anything possible to ensure proper and timely delivery so that Im not subjected to your passive-aggressive netabuse.
ok. i wasn’t going to say anything, but i can’t help myself.
first. my “excuse” (not that i should have to have one). i was away last week, and i didn’t get to shopping yet. i’ve been overwhelmed at work and all that. so i’m sorry. i fully intended to get you something, but the timing didn’t work out for friday (the first time i saw you after your birthday). now…. i’m not sure i even want to.
second. how about how you’ve acted at the last 2 birthdays i can remember. your rant and rave at my birthday, and then again at darren’s. 2 of what i think are your closest friends. we don’t ask for any gifts or anything extravagant. but come out and celebrate. have a good time. you don’t need to spend anything you don’t want to. just don’t cause a HUGE scene and try to ruin the day…
in summary. it’s not about what you spend, or what you get. it should be about people wanting to spend time with you. i know you were asked about your b-day, and we were told you didn’t want to do anything. i’m sorry about that… whatever your ongoing problem may be, but don’t take it out on the people who try to be there for you.
1) I try very hard to find gifts that people will like when their birthdays or the holidays come up.
Good for you. For some people, birthdays aren’t about the gifts, they’re about spending time with friends and having a good time. You chose not to have a get-together, which is fine of course, but then to expect presents is a little out of the ordinary.
2) Think about how youd feel if you got nothing on your birthday.
Been there, it’s happened to me. So? They’re just objects… meaningless if you try to base happiness around relationships instead of materialism.
3) What goes around comes around, and reciprocity is a bitch.
Is that a threat? Does that mean I won’t get a present from you next year because I didn’t get you one this year? I never asked you for a gift. All I ever hoped is that you would come hang out when/if we do stuff for my birthday. But if you choose not to, then I’ll get over it.
Happiness is a CHOICE you make. Took me a long time to discover that, and took a series of Really Bad Things™ happening… but life is so much better when you realize you have the ability to control things.
Speaking to someone over the weekend made me realize that my life, to this point, has pretty much been an unending series of abject failures and disappointments. After stewing on that subject for two days, pretty much uninterrupted, I really don’t know why I expected this birthday to be any different.
It’s not about presents, or dollar value. It’s about being thought of. I could care less about dollar value, if the thought is there. And, for the last week, I’ve pretty much felt ignored. Some birthdays we end up celebrating TWICE in the same week, but I don’t even get so much as a CARD from ANY of my friends on mine. How would that make you feel? How would you like it if you were UTTERLY FORGOTTEN on your birthday?
And what, am I psychic? Given that I haven’t seen/heard from/spoken to someone for whatever reason, am I supposed to ASSUME that something is coming, a week after the fact?
Speaking to someone over the weekend made me realize that my life, to this point, has pretty much been an unending series of abject failures and disappointments.
Maybe you should speak to someone else. Or if you accept that as fact, instead of wallowing, just do something about it. As far as I see, if you’ve “failed,” you’ve failed only because you don’t attempt things. If you never try, you will always fail. If you try, you have a chance of succeding. The more you try different things, the more comfortable you will get.
Whether you get presents or cards doesn’t have much to do with whether people think about you. Would you be happy if people just bought you presents and cards only because they know it’s what you wanted, without so much of a caring thought about you? You have friends that are concerned about you. That’s something to be thankful for.
I know I say “just do something about it” up there like it’s easy. It’s not. I’m not saying you should change your life (because there are many things I (and others) like and respect about you), I just think you can be happier if you choose to look at things a little differently.
For the record, what I told Darren was that I didn’t want anything huge and organized on my birthday. That didn’t have to stop anyone from saying, “hey, you wanna have dinner or something?”
Not only do I remember specifically asking you, “what’s the plan for your birthday” and having you respond with, “there is no plan, you know how I feel about these things”, but I also remember specifically saying, “well if we all just do dinner, its not like A Big Thing” and you “I guess”-ed me. Then when I IM’ed you on the 7th all “happy birthday” you just said, “thanks” and that was it. You, yourself, just said to me and to Darren that you didn’t want anything.
It’s now clear that you did want something, but instead of saying, “hey maybe we could just do dinner or something” when asked multiple times what you wanted to do, you just said you didnt want anything in hopes that one of us would be all, “he says he doesnt want anything, but that must mean that he does want something.” Because obviously, no means yes.
And do we ever do anything on my birthday? No. Do we ever do anything for Ali’s birthday? In fact, other than our crew here, I dont know anyone who does this. I haven’t had a party since I was 7, none of my other friends have parties every year. We’re in our 20s now. Maybe I don’t notice the burn because I’ve never had this and none of my other friends have this either.
You were not totally forgotten on your birthday. You were asked what you wanted, you said nothing, we took it at face value. We’re not going to beg you to hang out. Why put in the effort when you’re not willing to do anything but shrug. This whole thing reminds me of an annoying girlfriend. Y’know, the boy will ask his girl, “what’s wrong” and she’ll say, “nothing” when actually something is wrong, but she won’t tell him and she’ll expect him to Just Know and he doesn’t and so she stews and waits and nothing happens and then it all blows up. Ridiculous.
1) I never said I didn’t want to have dinner. I did say I didn’t want a “thing”. There’s a big distinction between a casual dinner and a huge fiesta that takes weeks of preparation, evites and shit like that.
2) I can’t help it if, by now, you don’t know me well enough to know that I don’t deal with my birthday very well. This year was no different than any other year.
3) I ask you EVERY year if you want to do something for your birthday. Or are you forgetting CookiePuss?
I love you, M-D. Happy Birthday.
i guess i have to repeat myself. i said to you, ‘if we just do dinner it wont be A Thing,’ you ‘i guess’-ed me. and showed no interest. so dont make it seem like i didnt ask you or forgot about you cuz i didnt. i asked, you whatevered me, i dropped it BECAUSE I DO KNOW that you dont handle the birthday well. i figured if you wanted to do something you would have, oh i dont know, said so when i asked you, but since you didnt, i let it be cuz i didnt want to hassle you. so whatev.
OK. This has been a distraction to me all day today, and I can’t concentrate on my work as a result. So here’s where I’m going to leave this, at least for now: if I offended anyone, in any way, then I’m sorry. My feelings were hurt, but I guess I’m not allowed to say anything about that. If you want me to fuck off, then tell me to fuck off and I’ll never darken your doorstep again. But I can’t think about this for the next few hours, or I’m not going to be able to get any work done.
Reading all of these posts is worse than listening to the stupid b.s. fights that go on with my 14 year old students. MD, you are 29 years old and it’s time to grow up. You have a number of friends who care about you and show that in a lot of ways. Like Michelle said, most normal people stop celebrating EVERY birthday when they leave childhood. Darren has been very clear about the fact that he is like a 4 year old when it comes to birthays and such and that he really wants something, so I bend over backwards to do for him every year cause I love him and he says up front that that is what he wants. I cannot remember the last time you bought me a birthday present and I believe it has been a few years since you got me a christmas present. Yet I have never expected a present or been upset that I have not recieved one because, well, I’m not twelve years old. You being my friend and being there for my family when we need you is really all the present I need. If you feel like such a failure and so unhappy despite all that your friends try to do for you and all they put up with when you grumble and shrug and go into woe-is-me mode, then the issue really isn’t a few presents or cards. I’d highly reccomend you talk to someone about what the real issues are…preferably someone who is a professional and can give you some advice and help you to feel better. No one should have to be as unhappy as you appear to be of late. As your friend, my fondest hope for you is that someday you realize this and are willing to accept help from those around you. I’m sorry for saying this over the internet because I think these conversations are much healthier in person, but you tend to shut down whenever anyone tries to talk to you about real life stuff, so I figured if I said it here you could read it and ignore it if you chose but at least it would get said.
M-D. I didn’t know when your birthday was. Actually, I was in Brooklyn on Sept 12th visiting my grandma- she has the tendency to suck the life out of you, in which I almost forgot my dad’s birthday. But now that I know your birthday is the 12th, I wont forget.
Actually, it’s the 7th…but it’s the thought that counts!
This is ages old and I should let it go.
But — You have a right to whatever emotions you feel. If you’re disappointed that no one made a fuss, then you have every right to feel that.